The Barista is looking for an Adirondack chair. Plastic or wood ok, any color. We grew accustomed to writing in a green plastic Adirondack chair during our three weeks in writer's camp, and now have to have one for our attic office. If you give it to us, we'll give you an acknowledgement in our second novel -- but we'll pay cash money if necessary. Please write to debbie-at-baristanet-dot-com.

UPDATE: Baristanet gets results. Reader Jessica Sporn will loan us a green plastic Adirondack chair until spring.

November 5, 2005 in Help Your Barista! | Permalink | Comments (10)

We like to think we keep close tabs on all the restaurant comings and goings in Baristaville. So we were surprised when we saw the closing of Lime on New Jersey Monthly's openings and closings for September. Lime? When we dropped a line to Rosie Saferstein, she confirmed the restaurant was "somewhere in Montclair." How did we miss it? Was it some kind of low-key, no name on the door place that required a secret handshake to get in? We couldn't find any address or phone number listed. If you know where Lime is/was, what they served and whether will they be missed, do tell.

September 23, 2005 in Food and Drink, Help Your Barista! | Permalink | Comments (11)

Our own Baristanet business mistress Laura Eveleth has a visitor in her backyard that has taken up permanent residence and appears to be forming a forbidden love connection with one of her cats. Only problem is, Laura doesn't know what the heck this new family member is. If you can, please name that critter.

September 19, 2005 in Help Your Barista! | Permalink | Comments (44)

The Barista officially declares a ceasefire. In the last couple days, we've heard from some people who are reluctant to come to our party for fear of meeting some of the people who post nasty comments here. Humor is humor; we're all for it. But yesterday, some of our threads really got out of hand, exceeding our usual standards of high-spirited sniping. Impersonations and cross charges about impersonations? Oh dear. Are we going to have to start making commenters register first with real e-mail addresses, or resort to censorship like you know who?

We would like to point out that it isn't necessary to eviscerate another poster in order to be funny.

Here are some recent comments that prove it. From the boldface names thread:

i may be misinformed, but i have met dottie frank a few times and i think she may have grown up in sullivan's island. and what does "self-congratulatory" mean? is it something like this: ***

writer #1: I say, we are a jolly bunch. look at my nice shoes.
writer #2: why, they're pips. Hush Puppies! bet they cost you a pretty penny on ebay, eh wot?
writer #3: yes, yes, lovely. Say, i have just had a piece on penny stocks published in institutional investor. aren't i pleased as punch with myself.
editor #1: Institutional investor? You don't say! why you'll be beating the pussy off with a stick, you old roue.
writer #4: oh, we are a clever bunch, i love us.

Posted by: fran | May 2, 2005 09:09 AM

From the 18-wheeler thread:

6.2.2 What problems are associated with an inadequate supply of SUV parking spaces?

An inadequate supply of SUV parking spaces can result in two negative consequences: (1) tired SUV drivers may continue to drive because they have difficulty finding a place to park to shop; while they are driving, they are unable to buy $300 colanders or $6 chocolate chip cookies thus depriving Montclair merchants of their livelihood, and (2) SUV drivers may choose to park at unsafe locations, such as the entrance to the BOE where appointed board members will kidnap them and make them watch four hours of Powerpoint presentations on class size, if they are unable to find available parking. Both of these consequences generate a safety hazard for the SUV driver and for other drivers using the NHS

Posted by: carya | May 1, 2005 09:35 AM

And even these two comments in the dog show thread:

I love it when people wear fur to animal events.

Posted by: Tom | May 2, 2005 04:18 PM

Tom, dahling, whatever would we go to dog shows for if not to window shop for next season's fashions?

Posted by: Cruella DeVille | May 2, 2005 04:36 PM

And yes, Cathar, we do appreciate your recent "gallantry."

The Barista reminds everybody that this is a place of business, with advertisers who pay good money for us to spend long, hard hours grinding out professional snarkiness. Even we have standards. No shoes, no shirt, no service. Now go. Have a nice day.

May 3, 2005 in Help Your Barista! | Permalink | Comments (65)

Barista is looking for some talented performers to make beautiful music at our soiree May 9. No pay, but you'll be seen by 100+ of Baristaville's top movers and shakers. Interested? Write to our staff arbiter of cool, Liz.

UPDATE: Someone's just suggested Anwar Robinson, whose schedule just freed up recently. Anybody know him personally? We'd love to have him. And, in case his ego is bruised, remind him that Simon's not invited, and even ROC says he's not coming.

April 26, 2005 in Help Your Barista! | Permalink | Comments (31)

The Barista is giving a speech in a few weeks about Women in New Jersey and needs some statistical stuff to go in it. True, there's already serious demographic analysis on the web. But we have some questions the US Census didn't think of. Yes we know that on the internet, nobody knows you're a dog, but we're hoping the pink type will deter the guys from answering.

April 24, 2005 in Barista's Sunday Poll, Help Your Barista! | Permalink | Comments (10)

ROC sends his regrets for Barista's May 9 soiree (we know he'll be there undercover) but offers this advice:

Make sure Cathar and Butch are chaperoned (or at least don't have any rulers on their persons). Don't let Milo bring any spreadsheets (no matter how much he protests). Ask Miss Martta to tie up the dog(s) outside. Get Lex sloppy drunk. Seat Walleroo precisely in the middle of the room. Hire Garret Morrision as the parking valet. Put Mrs. Kenschaft on Doe-Patrol. And don't let Grabowski attend at all (if you know what is good for you/him).

Most of all, have a good time and plan the destruction of the Watercooler!

Our friend The Prop sent this:

With a bit more notice we could have shipped you anonymous bottles of nitrous oxide. It *seems* the same as regular pasteurized carb-free air upon consumption, but then, oh you kid! It comes in three flavors: Fatty Arbuckle, Errol Flynn and Courtney Love (aka "the Widow Cobain").

April 20, 2005 in Help Your Barista! | Permalink | Comments (24)

Some of our commenters have gotten awful potty-mouthed lately. The Barista is no Mary Poppins, but she's disappointed nonetheless. No subject is off-limits at Baristanet, but pure malacious profanity is not welcome. We're not the FCC and we're not the Watercooler, but people who ignore this request will find their comments banned.

December 30, 2004 in Help Your Barista! | Permalink | Comments (7)

WNYC radio is having an Election Coverage Challenge today, asking its listeners to send in money to help them cover the very, very expensive Presidential campaign. They're hoping to raise $250,000.

Yeah, well, we have problems too.

So keep local parody alive and make a secure pledge payment to Barista! Go to our Contact Us page and click on the little green box at the bottom.

Think we're kidding? Just one $25,000 donation will keep us going for months. And local millionaire Steve Plofker has even offered to double your pledge if you call in the next hour. (Ok, that part we're kidding about.)

October 14, 2004 in Help Your Barista!, In Your Dreams | Permalink | Comments (0)

The New York Post reports that Starbucks has told its baristas not to wear their uniforms off-duty during next week's GOP wingding, for fear that some unruly types will rough them up. Starbucks was the target of violent protests in 1999 during the World Trade Organization's meeting in Seattle.

Yeah, well, we're not scared. We'll we wearing our Barista uniforms all week next week. Well, out here anyway. We're not going anywhere near the Big Apple. Show your Barista solidarity. Buy a t-shirt and cower in the suburbs next week along with us.

Via Gothamist.

August 25, 2004 in Help Your Barista! | Permalink | Comments (1)