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April   2

No There are No Sangria Ice Pops

Dick Grabowsky did not play Steve Plofker in pool the other night. Red Cheetah has not decided to advertise with us. Daylight Savings Time will proceed at Rand School just as everywhere else in Baristaville. (Set your clocks ahead one hour tonight, or when you wake up.) And JR is not dead.

It was all a long, cruel joke perpetrated on you in honor of April Fool's Day. Thanks for not suing us.

April 2, 2006 in April Fool's! | Permalink | Comments (27)

daily dish

April   1

Dick Wins The Prize, Sort Of

Steveplofker_2_1 Here's a little nugget about Steven Plofker you won't find in Phil Read's Star Ledger. After hobnobbing last night with Yogi Berra and wife Bobbi Brown at Joni Bronander's swanky opening for The Loft, Plofker then met up with Dick Grabowsky to reprise their infamous billiards contest. You'll remember Grabowsky riffing on Plofker's lack of skill with, um, his cue stick.

"He's an avid pool player. He's just not good at it," said Richard "Dick" Grabowsky, who made a real estate splash when he bought the block-long Hinck building, whose location at Montclair's landmark "six corners" makes it perhaps the town's premier commercial site.

"I taught him not to play pool with Dick Grabowsky, but there's not much else I can teach him. He's a very bright guy," he said.

Spies tell us that after that dig in the Star Ledger, Plofker has been after Grabowksy for a rematch. History repeated itself, but this time it wasn't just a friendly game. Wagering was involved, and instead of greenbacks, the land barons played for property. Grabowsky won again, but Plofker might have gotten the last laugh.

Poolsharkdick Grabowsky tells us...

I thought we were playing for houses and Steve's Erwin Park setup is pretty sweet. Instead, he told me he'd give me any one of these. I wouldn't let my dog live in one of those shacks. Guess I learned never to play pool with Steve Plofker.

April 1, 2006 in April Fool's! | Permalink | Comments (27)

daily dish

April   1

Guffman Coming to Talent Show

The Glen Ridge Talent Show will be tonight, and the organizers promise "Dancers, Soloists, Jugglers, Pianists and Much more!"

All that talent in one room gives us the shivers, but there's an extra bit of excitement. Rumor has it that Mort Guffman, famous New York City agent and talent scout, will be in the audience, ready to take some Glen Ridge youth from obscurity to fame!

Nobody knows what said talent scout/agent looks like, but you'll want to be in the Ridgewood Ave. auditorium tonight while history is being made. 7:30 pm.

April 1, 2005 in April Fool's! | Permalink | Comments (2)

Benevolent Despots Disband

The 1000-plus-members-strong Montclair Watercooler suffered a major setback today when its moderators, dubbed the Benevolent Despots or BDs, went on strike. None of the BDs would comment on the record to Barista, but sources tell us the incessant questions about waterproofing basements, finding dermatologists or debating the merits of solar energy panels became too much to bear...

"If just once, someone would post something exciting, or provocative, it would be worth it. But to post day in and day out this inane dribble was akin to enduring a steady stream of water torture," says one BD, who has since moved to West Orange.

When the BDs sent in their resignation to the Watercooler, their post was sent back as "inappropriate" and too off-topic.

April 1, 2005 in April Fool's! | Permalink | Comments (1)

Natural Schmatural

Bobbi_april_1_2 Bobbi Brown's beauty evolution turned revolution this week when the muted mistress of the "natural look" pumped up the volume by announcing a new line of spring lipstick colors, highlighted by Razzle-Dazzle Red and Fuschia Fugue.

"I was tired of having Steve walk right past me," Brown said, referring to her real estate mogul husband. "In fact, one time he actually walked right into me, as if I wasn't there."

Bobbi_lipsticks_2 Well, she'll be a wallflower no more with a va-va-va-voom collection that also includes Pink Passion and Get Lucky Lavender. Already cosmetics competitors -- and designers in other fields -- are scurrying to catch up.

"Red is now the new Mocha," said Wall Street cosmetics analyst Alice Trebluk, who predicts a return of beehive hairdos and tailfin cars. "Where Bobbi leads, the world follows."

Oh dear. Does that mean we'll have to put on make-up now to go to Whole Foods?

April 1, 2005 in April Fool's! | Permalink | Comments (2)

Bloomfield Invasion

Lamplight_2 We thought we were on top of things when we reported about eminent domain problems concerning Bloomfield's redevelopment plan for downtown. What we hadn't anticipated was another movement afoot in Glen Ridge to take over certain streets in Bloomfield through the use of eminent domain and some cleverly placed gas street lights.

The movement is a result of many Glen Ridge residents being sick and tired of having to leave the Ridge every time they want a slice of pizza or a cappuccino. "For Pete's sake, we don't have anything -- no sushi, no Starbucks, heck at this point, I'd settle for a Dunkin Donuts," says one desperate housewife on Ridgewood Avenue who requested anonymity. "I think Bloomfield can spare a few blocks." Glen Ridge, which is currently three miles long and just six blocks wide, has long endured jokes about its small status. "It's gotten so bad, our town slogan is 'Glen Ridge: Blink And You'll Miss It,' " says Mayor Carl Bergmanson. "We think placing a few more gas-fed street lamps along the Bloomfield border will give us the bragging rights we need. We especially have our eyes on the streets near Gencarelli's Bakery -- you gotta love their cannolis." In a retaliatory move, Bloomfield, after acquiring 12 Miles West, now has managed to spirit the Gas Lamp Players away from Glen Ridge.

April 1, 2005 in April Fool's! | Permalink | Comments (6)

Calendar Girls

You saw the movie, now the idea has taken off in Montclair. Seems a group of enterprising real estate agents decided to pool their photos and put together a calendar.

Lizkinard JostjamesAmymosley_1 Paigerhodes_1 Awebb_2 Juliecorbo_1

That finally explains all those come-hither photos on realtor business cards. The plucky gals are pricing the calendars very low, and expect to sell them way, way over asking.

April 1, 2005 in April Fool's! | Permalink | Comments (15)

Confessions from Strahan

Strange revelations from the Strahan divorce saga show no signs of waning. This time, it's Jean who's trying to salvage her image.

"I don't appreciate Michael or anyone else accusing me of not liking rap music. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth," says Jean, who, to prove her point, gave an enthusiastic rendition of Rapper's Delight by the SugarHill Gang. Jean asserts that it's actually Michael who doesn't like rap, and he is merely using her as a beard. "He never lets me play my rap albums in the house. Instead he makes me out to be the villain to all his friends, so he won't ruin his street cred. Frankly, I'm tired of keeping his dirty little secret." Baristanet sympathizes with Jean, and to that end, we're sending her a very large boom box she can crank up loud enough so Michael can hear Run DMC when he's curbside at Lloyd Road. As for her rendition of Rapper's Delight, Jean did know all the words to the song, but sadly, still sounded like a white girl.

April 1, 2005 in April Fool's! | Permalink | Comments (1)

Yes, We Have No Bananas

Produce In a savvy public relations save, Whole Foods announced yesterday that it plans to get rid of its entire produce department in order to expand its parking lot. Recently, a number of parking disputes have spoiled the zen of the place.

"Nobody likes vegetables anyway," said store manager Michael Colido. "Everybody comes here for the cheese and the baked goods. It's a well-known fact. Sure, the produce added color, but we can just put up pictures of fruit and vegetables to achieve the same effect."

We're certainly not going to miss all those overpriced vegetables -- particularly the broccoli, yuckk! -- but we will miss the ink we got from all those parking mishaps. Help us out -- what's everybody's next least favorite parking lot in town?

April 1, 2005 in April Fool's! | Permalink | Comments (37)

Raymond's Is For Sale

Not the restaurant actually, just the restaurant's much-beloved French toast recipe. The owner of Raymond's, who prefers to be called Fred, quietly put the French toast recipe on the market this week.

Toasty When asked about the bold move, Fred was coy. "If someone wants to give me an insane amount of money for the recipe, I'll take it. But we're really happy making it and we'll keep making it as long as our customers want to eat it." What happens if the recipe does fetch the $50,000 asking price? Fred says, "I'll just develop a new one. It's really not that complicated. I'm amazed that people don't stay home and make their own breakfast, but whatever..."

Roberta Baldwin speculates that the listing, which comes closely on the heels of One 15 Cafe's croissant French toast phenom (pictured), may be a case of French toast flipping. In other cafe news, Church Street Cafe's crafty Greg Spinelli is now the proud owner of the holy pan.

April 1, 2005 in April Fool's! | Permalink | Comments (4)

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