April 1
...serving up your daily dish.
In a savvy public relations save, Whole Foods announced yesterday that it plans to get rid of its entire produce department in order to expand its parking lot. Recently, a number of parking disputes have spoiled the zen of the place.
"Nobody likes vegetables anyway," said store manager Michael Colido. "Everybody comes here for the cheese and the baked goods. It's a well-known fact. Sure, the produce added color, but we can just put up pictures of fruit and vegetables to achieve the same effect."
We're certainly not going to miss all those overpriced vegetables -- particularly the broccoli, yuckk! -- but we will miss the ink we got from all those parking mishaps. Help us out -- what's everybody's next least favorite parking lot in town?
April 1, 2005 in April Fool's! | Permalink
You had me going for a minute or two!
Happy April Fools' Day!
Posted by: Laura | Apr 1, 2005 11:21:44 AM
You had me going, too. I think I am going tomorrow to get some nice fresh oranges and grapefruits and squeeze some juice tomorrow morning for my wife, who just a little critter last February.
I also want to add that the produce there is NOT overpriced!!! Its better, it lasts much longer than whats in the A&P (and the like), and for me, it tastes much better.
Posted by: Steven | Apr 1, 2005 11:38:35 AM
That so many regular posters have fallen for not one, not two, not three, but four April Fool's Day jokes in a row (so far) says that either people have become touchingly devoted to baristanet or that they're indeed fairly foolish in baristaville (and I'm trying so hard not to connect this to the region's support of Kerry last November, so very hard). And I'd almost prefer the former explanation, but then we're talking 4 in a row here. Baldly delivered ones, I thought, at that.
Still, well done, barista, well done!
Posted by: cathar | Apr 1, 2005 11:38:56 AM
Well, as George Bush so eloquently said, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me-- we won't get fooled again!"
Posted by: latebloomer | Apr 1, 2005 11:44:27 AM
Breaking news: I've learned from a reliable source that cathar is on Baristanet's payroll.
Posted by: walleroo | Apr 1, 2005 1:13:03 PM
Your source is unreliable. I'm not on barista's "payroll." I even doubt she makes enough from the site to have any such thing, which is why we should all support the site's advertisers as best we can. (There, boss, did that sound believable?)
Posted by: cathar | Apr 1, 2005 1:40:57 PM
Barista can afford cathar because Plofker is bankrolling the operation. ROC is also on staff.
Posted by: walleroo | Apr 1, 2005 1:43:12 PM
News Flash!!!
Right of Center, infamous Barista poster and all-around-agitator, has suffered an accident at his keyboard and fallen into a permanent vegetative state.
Mr. ROC's living will leaves several directives for the Baristaville community, as follows:
First, Mr. ROC insists that members of the Montclair Watercooler perform a full cost-benefit analysis to decide whether or not he shall have life support removed. (Note - Due to Cooler guidelines, please place these in the FILES section only).
Second, Mr. ROC would like the words "tiny url" to be tattooed on his corpse before his burial.
Third, in the event that the Cooleristas remove life support, Mr. ROC would like a seperate funeral for each and every one of his online screennames.
Posted by: butchcjg | Apr 1, 2005 1:57:19 PM
That so many people have fallen for the stories just shows that things in Baristaville can often seem quite "absurd" on a *real* news day!!!
Posted by: butchcjg | Apr 1, 2005 1:59:17 PM
The "news flash" above simply isn't funny at any time, but especially so coming on yesterday's events and with the impending death of the Pope.
It'd very be easy to respond to in kind, however. And to trump the writer many times over in a mere sentence or two. But there are times when to respond to such vile logorrhea would be to literally step into the verbal pile of detritus that someone else has become. I don't know ROC and at any rate he(she?) has no need of my defense, but I felt this should be noted, if only because the absence of any real wit in the "flash" above is so perniciously obvious, as is its malicious intent. At times like these people often say "Get a life." I'll add, get an intellectual one, as well as one that pays even some little heed to moral niceties.
Posted by: cathar | Apr 1, 2005 2:31:44 PM
ooops. butch gets a failing grade from professor sunshine.
Posted by: walleroo | Apr 1, 2005 2:55:05 PM
Cathar,
When can I convert? This country was founded on the freedom to practice one's religion. Why is it that you are only satisfied when the religion practiced must is yours. I believe in God too, but feel no more sympathy for the passing of the pope as I do for the earthworms that will needlessly perish during the impending weekend rainstorms. Yesterday it was Terri, today the pope and tomorrow it could be any other Christian. I choose to mourn the poor earthworms. It is my choice and I am proud to be able to have it. I am also accepting of April Fools jokes keeping them separate from terrible visions of the massive earthworm massacre that could so easily be prevented. Fortunately, I do not push my strange religious beliefs onto others!
Posted by: Stu | Apr 1, 2005 2:55:07 PM
Go mourn the earthworms, Stu. It's your right. You have no idea what my religion is. None whatsoever. Would you find twisted "japery" ahout the death of, let's say, Nelson Mandela, were he at death's door, equally funny? Would you tell Auschwitz jokes? I'd bet not, and for good reason. Your anti-Catholicism/ant--Christianity is showing. Again, that's your right. I'd respond further, but this much is clear, you're not worth the time and effort. Someone else referred to you obliquely yesterday as gnat-like. It's that obvious, Stu, on April Fool's Day or any other.
Posted by: cathar | Apr 1, 2005 3:13:55 PM
LOL - cathar...and YOU tell US to lighten up.
Perhaps you need to heed your own advice and go get one of those ballpark franks and catch a game, baby! No one was going for a writing contest, just a laugh. (And, given what you type on here, it's a good thing!)
(Or, maybe you're just another ROC screenname whose a bit upset?!?)
Posted by: butchcjg | Apr 1, 2005 3:14:46 PM
I don't hate anyone! I don't even dislike you Cathar! Some of my best friends are Christians (ha ha ha). What disturbs me are fascists, and your personality screams fascism.
We all have sympathy for the pope. Bin Laden probably even had some sympathy for the 2000+ he murdered for his cause. Where I differ from you is that I do not feel the need for everyone to feel the same way as I do. If you really feel that making an April Fools joke up on the potential day that the pope might pass is offensive, then you really ought to have your head examined(IMHO). If you cannot see this, then I have more sympathy for you than I do for the poor earthworms, the pope and Terry Schiavo combined. Of course I respect your feelings, but I (and probably everyone else here) do not wish to be asked to practice them nor am I really interested in reading about them at the least.
Posted by: Stu | Apr 1, 2005 3:42:00 PM
You're getting into name-calling, Stu. You too, butch. And I honestly doubt either of you knows enough words to go very far in this direction. Both of you were going for "laughs," eh? Laughs at the expense of others. Nor do either of you clearly have any understanding of what genuinely constitutes fascism, or you wouldn't toss around the term so readily. Yeah, both of you are a scream.
Posted by: cathar | Apr 1, 2005 3:49:55 PM
It's like watching a reality version of Gilligan's island. Cathar is the Professor (with a bit of Thurston Howell 3rd thrown in), Miss Martta is Mary Anne (his acolyte), Stu is Gilligan, Butch (that's a tough one) is some combination of Ginger and the Skipper.
Posted by: walleroo | Apr 1, 2005 4:00:11 PM
A combination of Ginger and The Skipper!!
That has got to be the widest spectrum of humanity ever hypothesized, I'm not sure there are many earthlings who would fall outside of it.
That said, I see Butchie as more of a Mrs. Howell/Skipper hybrid, with maybe a dash or two of Mary Ann thrown in...
Posted by: bob | Apr 1, 2005 4:28:10 PM
Dear Barista....Geez, I think my wild chickens of Glen Ridge ploy would have worked perfectly today!....Everyone would have been out egg hunting!!.......(;0})=8---
Posted by: PAZ | Apr 1, 2005 4:42:05 PM
"Hey, can I be Ginger? I have red hair."
You most certainly do not have red hair. (I know what day of what month it is, sister.) And even if you did, you'd have to dye it. You're just not the Ginger type. Sorry.
Posted by: walleroo | Apr 1, 2005 4:56:56 PM
