Last week, when we ran a story about environmentalist Pat Kenschaft's proposal that coyotes be imported to control the deer population of Montclair, one of the many comments that appeared was a humorous fake press release Richard O'Colgan. O'Colgan's release -- which suggested that PAWS would "humanely trap" Kenschaft and release her to a more suitable environment -- set off a storm of controversy, and when critic after critic berated him for being mean, he asked us to take it off the site.

When Pat Kenschaft finally caught up with the Barista piece, and saw all the controversy her idea had spawned, she could tell that something was missing. At her request, we showed O'Colgan's release to her. Rather than taking offense, she found it hysterically funny.

With permission of both parties, then, we are re-running O'Colgan's original release, and Kenschaft's response.

OCTOBER 19, 2004, MONTCLAIR - Kathleen Hamilton the new president of the Pound Animal Welfare Society of Montclair (PAWS) announced today that the animal welfare group plans to humanely trap and then release Pat Kenschaft in a more suitable natural habitat. "The problem has been a long time in coming" said Hamilton in a statement to the press. "Many of us in the community have been watching the situation closely. Many residents had noticed the damage the suburban landscape was doing to her natural habitat and her spirits but hoped she could adapt and thrive anyway. However it is clear this is not happening, she has become aggressive and cranky - she is clearly unhappy" The PAWS plan calls for the humane trapping of Kenschaft and then relocation by helicopter to a more wild area of the state free from cars, non-organic foods, leafblowers, and Republicans. The plan is to set up a trap and use pre-read (recycled) copies of the Utne Reader as bait according to Richard O'Colgan, a local resident who has volunteered for the project. "Whooo-wee that there bait is a pretty smelly stuff, but I ken handle it I a-reckon" said O'Colgan while warming his hands over a trash fire in the front yard of his trailer home hidden behind the work shed of the now defunct Marlboro Inn. "We'll get the ole gal and fly her by chopper somewheres fer away an' nice as pie! Someplace with one of dem log-cabins and a butter churn an everythin' " he added.

"When I finally read your piece (after I'd read the responses)," Kenschaft wrote to O'Colgan, "I laughed so deeply that I don't think any hurt was experienced but can hardly be sure. It is important always to be able to laugh, never more than when in a disagreement. My husband and I enjoyed your piece, and I will now write a response... Let's set a good example about how people SHOULD argue over issues! There ARE times for seriousness, but your piece was delightful." Now her official response:

Pat Kenschaft respectfully declines the invitation of Ms. Hamilton and Mr. O'Colgan for a free ride to a "more wild area of the state free from cars, non-organic foods, leafblowers, and Republicans." She fears there would not be an opportunity there for the wild joy of biking down a street like Marion Road, and perhaps not even as joyous as the more bumpy Gordonhurst Ave. Furthermore, pity the poor natives if a(nother) human were inflicted on them. Humans, even vegetarians, are mean. Humans like to eat and will not stand for interference from other species.

Furthermore, if Pat Kenschaft were deprived all contact with Republicans, how could she hone her zest for political growth? She does think that Republicans and others, however, should not confuse what they really want with what they merely think is theirs. Consider leafblowers. Even Mr. O'Colgan survived just fine, thank you, without leafblowers twenty years ago (unless he is much younger than his emails suggest). Leafblowers are not even as much a part of him as his toenails. They could be cut without pain. Indeed, they are rather like an ingrown toenail, and if he doesn't extract them soon, they will cause more trouble later.

So, Mr. O'Colgan, you are fated to keep Pat Kenschaft in your neighborhood -- but should rethink that ingrown toenail. It is not you (or she) who needs to be removed, just it. You'll feel better afterward.

Pat Kenschaft

P.S. Her husband says that if folks are constructing a human-sized haveahart trap anyway, it should be big enough for two, and that chocolate covered mushrooms are likely to be more successful than Etne magazines, no matter how well seasoned.

October 23, 2004 in Buzz | Permalink